Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Woes of a Pregnant Whore(der)...

*WARNING* If you do not have a baby, do not want a baby, or are just a baby hater, you might not want to read this post.

Dear Road Dogs,

It has come to my attention recently that I have a fetus growing in my uterus...wait, that's where they come from right? I am about 8 weeks along and very excited. What does this mean for me as a Whore(der), and you as my audience? Well, it means a lot more fetus related posts. I had so many suggestions and so much help from friends and family with my first pregnancy that I thought I would offer some of my own insight this time. What could you possibly need advice or direction on? Believe it or not, you may be confused about many things; from where to purchase foods you are craving, which prenatal vitamins are best, or even where you buy maternity underwear...yes, I said maternity underwear. Do not Google that unless you need to purchase it, you'll be sorry.

For the next 32 weeks or so I plan to be your pregnancy guru. I will let you know any pregnancy or baby related deals I find, or any new "Mommy" products I try. I will let you know where to get them and how to get them for less if possible.

With that being said, there are a few basic tips and tricks that I would like to share with you.

1.) To keep from vomiting while brushing your teeth, you will need the right toothpaste. To each his own on this matter, but brushing my teeth while pregnant quite literally makes me barf. I find it less disgusting if my toothpaste is minty, slightly cinnamon-y or even bubble gum flavored.

2.) To keep your baby healthy you will need prenatal vitamins. If you are unfamiliar with these giant, beast-like horse pills, get familiar. Last pregnancy, I somehow managed to stomach these and not gag myself to death, and was rewarded with amazing side effects like long lustrous hair and beautiful, enviable nails. This time around I can't even look at the dang pills; even thinking about these pills makes me gag a little bit. Unfortunately, they are a very necessary part of pregnancy. As I was morosely wandering the vitamin aisle at Target in search of small(er) prenatals, I stumbled upon Gummi Prenatals. I instantly called my doctor to ask if this was some sort of sick joke, and she assured me it was not. I bought a bottle for $7 plus I got to use a Target coupon for $1/1 and headed home to enjoy my candy, err...vitamins. Much to my surprise, my hair and nails still continue to grow at a rapid rate.

3.) At some point, you will inevitably not feel well. You may be one of the lucky few who doesn't ever have morning sickness, but chances are you may battle with nausea & vomiting at some point. I suggest you keep water and Saltines on hand at all times. If your nausea is worse in the morning, eat a few crackers when you first wake up, before you even get out of bed. At some point, you may also need gum, mints, or candy to help your tummy. With my first pregnancy, it seems I spent most of the time with my head in the toilet, I was so sick. I learned to keep Starburst on hand because they smell good and don't taste bad coming back up. Don't judge me, just you wait until you have morning sickness... there are things I can never eat again because I threw them up.

This pregnancy, my taste buds are wiggity-wack and I only like/want/need/live for specific sour candy that isn't easy to find. I finally went on Amazon and found my beloved Sour Punch Twists which I bought in a bulk size tub and I also stumbled across a drool-worthy, huge bag of Chewy Lemonhead & Friends at the 99 cent store! Score for me and my fetus! Your best, cheapest bet for fulfilling your candy cravings (as your cravings will often change), is to go to your local $1 or 99 cent store and stock up.

4.) Dry Shampoo days. There will be days where you are so tired, you feel like your life force has been sucked out of you by some Dementor like creature (yes, that was a Harry Potter reference). You will be so tired that you can't even be bothered to lift up your arms in the shower to wash your undoubtedly greasy hair. Hell, there will be days where you don't even want to shower at all. This is where my precious Dry Shampoo Pssssst! comes in handy. Heather undoubtedly will argue that Suave Dry Shampoo is better, but I will never be converted. Pssssst! is relatively cheap at $7 a bottle and works really, really well. The days I use it are usually the days people tell me that my hair looks great and they want to know what I've done with it. Little do they know that it's dirtier than ever.

5.) Cocoa Butter is often used in pregnancies to "avoid stretchmarks." I have a secret to tell you, there really is no avoiding stretchmarks. You are either pre-disposed to them or not. Some people gain 80 lbs during pregnancy and not a single stretch mark appears. Others (like me) gain 20 lbs during pregnancy and it looks like I got in a fight with a Tiger a la Siegfried & Roy status. However, cocoa butter does help out a little bit. It keeps your skin soft and hydrated and is pretty cheap to boot. Everyone has their own preference in brands, I really like Palmer's, but I also haven't tried many other ones. The one thing I think most of us preggos can agree on is using creams instead of lotions as they are thicker and a bit more hydrating and are generally the same price. If you feel like splurging, my hands-down-drop-dead-absolute-favorite cream is by True Blue Spa found at Bath & Body Works for $15.

6.) Pregnancy Brain aka Baby Brain Drain is a real thing. You will forget everything and then forget what you forgot and forget that you even forgot something. I had something else to say but I don't remember what it was...

Now that I've excited and/or scarred you for life, this is just the beginning. You guys are in for the long haul with me. Expect weekly updates, and if I find any awesome or new products, you will be the first to hear about it! Just remember, sex leads to babies, and babies lead to peeing a little when you sneeze for the rest of your life...so buy some Depends.

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